**I know, what a weird title but Tears On The Toilet was the other choice so you're welcome..**
I wasn't sure about writing this post because it is raw, real and uncomfortable. It is the farthest thing from a fun giveaway, fall decorating, fabulous weekend kind of post. But recently I felt myself getting lost in this blog and noticed I was doing things that weren't me for the sake of a post. That is not what I intended this blog for, I wanted this blog to be an outlet for me to talk about whatever I wanted with no filter. So this is what this post will be about and if you're not interested in that kind of post you might need to skip over this one.
Before I start this I need to say a few things.
-Yes I am only 22.
-Yes it could be worse.
-Yes I know it takes time.
-Yes we have only been married a little over a year.
-Yes we have only been married a little over a year.
-Yes I know there are women who have this struggle x100 and my heart goes out to them but this is the pain that I know right now.
I can't tell you why exactly but this month felt different. I just had a feeling that this would be it, the month that our lives would change forever! I was a week late, woke up twice sick as a dog, was unusually tired, and peeing 15 times a day, I even spotted for 3 days, I just knew. I knew, until I didn't. Until I went to the bathroom and saw that mother nature so rudely made her presence known once again. That was when I cried on the commode. We have been trying to get pregnant for quite some time now and I never expected it to take this long. I know that I sound like the epitome of impatience and I know that everything happens in God's time so I guess I should say I hoped it wouldn't take this long instead of "I never expected". I have been doing pretty good as far as the not getting upset goes. Except for this month and the month that I was 3.5 weeks late and 1 flipping hour after I called to schedule a doctors appointment, shark week commenced (my sweet husband refers to my time of the month as shark week).
My whole life I have wanted to be a mother, it is just who I am. From a VERY young age people have told me how great of a mother I would be one day. All I could think of this day was that I did everything "right". I can count on one hand the times I have drank alcohol, I don't smoke, I waited until my wedding night and I have been a pretty good person/Christian my whole life.(I know these are petty things to say and I know that by no means do all of these things mean you will be able to have a baby right when you decide you want one. But these were the things going through my head as the tears were falling.) I know it isn't fair for me to say this but I do not understand how all of these 16 year olds and people who have one night stands are popping them out like it's going out of style. Why does it come so easy for them and not for those of us who want it so bad we can taste it? (I know that every single one of these babies are a blessing no matter what the situation. And I will never get anywhere focusing on them. But once again this was a thought that went through my self pitying mind on this particularly hard day.)
I will stop right there and say that no, we haven't been trying for years and I know that my complaining is laughable to women who have been facing this for a long time. I am so sorry and I am not trying to be insensitive to those who have tried for years, lost children or who cannot have them at all. My heart truly goes out to you. I have a cousin who is also one of my best friends & she has been trying for 13 years. She got the opportunity to adopt a few years ago and that baby is such a blessing, I am so happy for her! So I know that at this point my struggle is minor but to me it is real and it is painful.
A while back I was at church and I felt the Lord dealing with my heart, I went to the alter to pray and couldn't help but sob as I begged God for a baby, an answer, peace, anything really. At that moment my Preacher's wife came to pray with me, she had no idea what my need was but boy she prayed hard. She was praying (aloud) so hard that I just gave it all over to her because I couldn't even focus on my own thoughts. After that I felt a peace come over me and I wasn't quite sure what it meant. I guess now (that I am still not pregnant) I know it means that I need to Let Go & Let God. For a while now I was worried that something was wrong with me/my husband but I am hoping this peaceful feeling means that everything is okay and it just isn't our time yet. So I am putting this in God's hands (not that it wasn't already) and praying for the best.
This isn't something we have shared with many people. At this point when people ask, "When are you going to pop one out?", "It's your turn isn't it?", "When are you going to give us our little girl?"; we just smile, shrug and say "Whenever it happens...". But I know there are very few people who I know IRL that read this and the few that do I know I can trust. It feels good to actually talk about it openly.
If anyone is still reading this, thank you for letting me vent. I may lose a couple readers because of this post but it is what it is. After a week of just being a draft , I am taking a queue from Katelyn who shared her story and deciding to share.
Have any of you faced an issue like this? What is your advice about getting through it?
My whole life I have wanted to be a mother, it is just who I am. From a VERY young age people have told me how great of a mother I would be one day. All I could think of this day was that I did everything "right". I can count on one hand the times I have drank alcohol, I don't smoke, I waited until my wedding night and I have been a pretty good person/Christian my whole life.(I know these are petty things to say and I know that by no means do all of these things mean you will be able to have a baby right when you decide you want one. But these were the things going through my head as the tears were falling.) I know it isn't fair for me to say this but I do not understand how all of these 16 year olds and people who have one night stands are popping them out like it's going out of style. Why does it come so easy for them and not for those of us who want it so bad we can taste it? (I know that every single one of these babies are a blessing no matter what the situation. And I will never get anywhere focusing on them. But once again this was a thought that went through my self pitying mind on this particularly hard day.)
I will stop right there and say that no, we haven't been trying for years and I know that my complaining is laughable to women who have been facing this for a long time. I am so sorry and I am not trying to be insensitive to those who have tried for years, lost children or who cannot have them at all. My heart truly goes out to you. I have a cousin who is also one of my best friends & she has been trying for 13 years. She got the opportunity to adopt a few years ago and that baby is such a blessing, I am so happy for her! So I know that at this point my struggle is minor but to me it is real and it is painful.
This isn't something we have shared with many people. At this point when people ask, "When are you going to pop one out?", "It's your turn isn't it?", "When are you going to give us our little girl?"; we just smile, shrug and say "Whenever it happens...". But I know there are very few people who I know IRL that read this and the few that do I know I can trust. It feels good to actually talk about it openly.
If anyone is still reading this, thank you for letting me vent. I may lose a couple readers because of this post but it is what it is. After a week of just being a draft , I am taking a queue from Katelyn who shared her story and deciding to share.
Have any of you faced an issue like this? What is your advice about getting through it?
Personally, I have not gone through this. We were so blessed in the fact that we did it with no protection on our honeymoon and I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks later. My sister however, struggled all her life. She was told time and time again that she would never have children. Finally the Lord blessed her and her husband with a son. She almost died during birth and her pregnancy was hell, but lo and behold Dean Ryan was born a healthy 8 pound baby! She was then told she needed to have her tubes tied due to the struggle of her pregnancy/birth. She said over her dead body. She had 6 different doctors tell her that she will never have another child and to enjoy the one she had. That's just what she did, but unexpectedly, without trying, 3 years later she gave birth, to the date (they have the same bday) to Devin...it may take time, doctors telling you no, but stick strong to your faith, family, friends and husband. I know you'll get through it! I'm here if you want me to pray with you...xxoo
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, I'm having a giveaway...you're a Southern Girl from good ole GA, so trust me when I tell you, you will love it!
Thank you so much Miranda, that means a lot!!
DeleteI will check out your giveaway!
I am SO sorry!! I hope by you writing this post has helped you!! I have had several friends try hard to have a child, even had miscarriages. Example, my friend, Heather, her & her husband tried & tried to have their second child. She just wasn't getting pregnant, when they wanted to. They even went through the ENTIRE foster process & once they complete every single thing & were waiting for a foster child - she found out she was pregnant! It's amazing. We aren't trying to have a child right now, but I can def relate to the 'let go & let God'! We're human & it's not always easy for us! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteAshley, I hope you know how much of a support group you have in your followers. Its posts like these that make me want to follow you more not less. I appreciate your realness and your willingness to open up. I haven't gone through this struggle specifically but have a close friend who has, as well as my mom who was never able to have biological children so my brother and I are adopted. It can be so difficult to just accept the fact that it will happen when its the right time, and I sit here and struggle with when is the right time. If you ever need to vent or talk or anything, I know we've never met but I am always willing to listen!
ReplyDeleteI love the realness of your blog, and I'm so sorry you are having a hard time! I have never experienced this myself, but I have many friends who have. It will happen! I know it sounds strange, but most people I know who aren't trying are the ones who end up with a baby on the way, and the people who acutally try seem to have the hardest time getting pregnant. So unfair!
ReplyDeleteGirl, this post...I could have copy and pasted most of it to my own blog. I have a post that I have been wanting to go "live", but worry about people I know reading it...namely the friend it is about. A good friend of mine found out she was pregnant the same time I did and she is all about it...which she has the right to be, but every time I hear about a doctors appointment, etc. it tears my heart out a little. I am so happy for her, but hurt for myself (selfishly).
ReplyDeleteWe are in your boat, we thought we would get pregnant so fast. We have been trying since spring, with one success, which resulted in miscarriage. I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant and I just don't understand. I identify with you saying you did everything right as far as waiting until the right time, etc. so now, why isn't it happening?
I have another friend who faced infertility and had to get IVF and she made the comment the other day, "Have you, like you know, talked to a doctor yet? I mean you aren't pregnant yet."....that hurt. And yes, I did ask the doctor about why it was taking so long and her explanation was that there is really only a 24 hour window within the month that you can get pregnant and it will happen everything just has to be perfect...well, I am perfectly ready, so lets get this show on the road. All jokes aside, she said that she can't even give a referral to see a fertility specialist until you have been trying at least a year. Women at work (who know) share stories of a year, 5 years, etc. before they got pregnant, but I just didn't think that would be me.
I hope it happens for you soon. I am sure it will. Like you said, "Let Go & Let God"...which can be hard (for me) to do.
"Let Go & Let God" is the best choice you could make. (And I promise I'm not saying that because I don't want a pregnant bridesmaid. ;) Because I really wouldn't care!) I can't imagine how you feel because I'm not in your circumstance. I can pretend to understand - I know it's heart wrenching. I think you need to focus on you - make sure you're healthy, live life doing things you love, grow as husband and wife - and when it's the time to have a baby or time to make some tough decisions about becoming parents, they will happen naturally.
ReplyDeleteRemember! I'm always here no matter what - even if I have 26 little boogers keeping me busy everyday at school. I will always listen, share my thoughts, let you cry, whatever you need, I'll be there if you need me.
Love you bestie XO