Sometimes Life Gets In The Way...

So, yesterday I spent a little time in the morning writing a fun weekend recap that I planned on finishing and posting once I got home. For the first time in a while I had a weekend worth talking about and was excited to have a post other than my recent bumpdates and throwbacks. Well obviously that post never got finished because (as the title indicates) life got in the way.

 

If anyone that actually knows me reads this blog they know that I don't really have the simplest of family situations. I was reluctant to even write about this because I am not a big fan of posting personal issues on here, especially if there is anyone in my real life that reads this. But at the same time, I need to vent and that's why I made this blog in the first place so oh well.

 

Since losing my Mom my family hasn't been in the best spot. There have been a whole lot of really bad things happen in my personal relationships with both my Dad and my stepdad {things that are way too personal and serious to go into on here}. My Dad and I are finally in a place where we can be in the same room without arguing but the relationship with my stepdad has pretty much became nonexistent. Once every few months he will decide to blow up my phone asking me to go to dinner with him. I will usually give in and agree to go to dinner. (I know this sounds cold but he has done and continues to do some pretty unforgiveable things that make it hard to give him chance after chance.)

 

Getting to the point, last night he invited us over to his house to eat. That in itself threw up a red flag because he doesn't cook, we usually just go out. I had heard through the grapevine around Christmas that he might be seeing someone but he never mentioned it to me so I didn't really think much of it. So we get there last night and he meets me at the door and says, "thanks for coming, by the way my girlfriend and her kids are here.". So after picking my jaw up off the floor, I introduced myself and sat down. My stepdad immediately grabs my husband and asks him to drive him to the store because he forgot charcoal. It was one of those things that happened so fast that Paul didn't even have a chance to say no otherwise he never would've left me by myself in this situation. So here I was left alone with this woman I don't know and her kids. Now I am really good with meeting new people and making conversation, that wasn't the problem. I got to looking around and notice that everything is different, they aren't just dating she is completely living there. Still, I was fine with that. It was when I looked in the kitchen and saw all of my Mom's stuff being used that I lost it (canisters, decorations, etc.). Let me clarify, it has been almost 6 years since my Mom has been gone and I have been more than ready for him to move on and be happy. To be honest, my issue had nothing to do with him or her. I guess it was just a combination of so many things. I was feeling ambushed and sitting there trying to make conversation when I am staring at the things (as little as they may be) that were my Mom's now being used by someone else was just too much to handle.

I couldn't help but tear up so I excused myself to the bathroom to try and get it together. As soon as Paul walked back in he could tell that something was wrong. He took me outside and asked if I was okay which of course opened the flood gates. As this point I was feeling so many things and told him I wanted to leave but I fought the urge and stuck it out. The events of the rest of the night, as awkward as they were, are not really relevant.

 

As I mentioned, my emotions truly had nothing to do with him being in a new relationship, it had nothing to do with him period. I mean I was angry for how he handled the situation and blindsided me but that is not the point. Honestly the best way I  know to describe it is that I felt that my Mom was being betrayed. Just sitting there watching someone else use her things filled me with anger. It feels so petty even saying it but it is just something that I can't explain and you can't understand unless you have been there. Plus I am pregnant, my emotions are all over the place anyway so I am completely justified! I had to physically restrain myself from getting up, going through the house, finding everything my Mom ever touched and taking it home.

 

Once I got home I could not sleep whatsoever. My mind reeled all night with a million different thoughts and feelings. I have mentioned before that even though I struggle everyday with my Mom not being here, the farther I get in this pregnancy the more it hurts. It is literally painful that Nora will never get to know her incredible grandmother. I don't know if it is a normal momma bear thing or if it is the fact that my Mom doesn't get to be here but I am already being very protective of who gets to be in Nora's life. Not that I ever want to limit the amount of love she receives but I have had to deal with certain people coming in and out of my life, constantly hurting me and I will not let that happen to her. I will guard her precious little heart with my life.

 

I know this was all over the place but getting it all out helped. This is my life, completely raw and sometimes that gets in the way of the happy stuff. I have no idea if he will ever read this but I have to give a major shout out to my husband. He is my rock and I have no idea how I would ever make it through these hard times without him. Maybe tomorrow I will finish my fun weekend post and give y'all a little happy to read but this is what you get tonight..