Wednesday, August 17, 2016


There are days that I see you so clearly I swear I could reach out and touch you. Your thin black hair tucked behind your ears, your beautiful dark brown eyes, unlined with beautiful black lashes that never even needed mascara. The faint sunspots on your porcelain skin and the way you touched your tongue to your teeth when you smiled, self conscious of your barely there gap. I can smell your lab coat with a hint of perfume, I can hear your laugh and wrap myself in your hug. And then there are days where I beg my subconscious to give me one little thing so that I feel that you aren't a figment of a past lifetime. Although it is another lifetime, it truly feels that I have lived two lives, one with you and one ever since you've been gone. How is that possible? How is that fair? You are my mother, I am a part of you and you took a gaping part of me when you left. I think days like the latter mentioned are my body's way of surviving. It is a physical, consuming pain that hits so hard it takes my breath away. I have no doubt whatsoever that if my body let me feel this every day it would take over my life and that can't happen.
And the biggest help is coincidentally, what made me, you. Being a mother is beyond everything I ever expected, she filled a place in me that I never thought could be filled again. Without you here it will never be the same but I swear you shine through so fiercely in her! I'm pretty sure that's what you had been doing up there this whole time, preparing her to be the absolute supernova that she is.  I also feel you shining through me more and more each day. I was always scared that without you I wouldn't know how to do this. We never talked about it, you never gave me sage advice that I could quote. Instead you showed me, you engrained it into me and I honestly feel like that's the only reason I've kept it together (for the most part). Even though I can't call you it's like I already know what you would have said, I am so grateful for that.
Becoming a mother has made me appreciate you so much and I would give anything to go back and show you that better than I did. I think about all the days you came home exhausted and I wish more than anything I would have taken over for you, cleaned up, cooked supper, anything to just let you rest. Instead I was a selfish teenager who for the most part thought only about myself and you did everything without one single complaint. I know we did more than most to help especially when you got sick but you should never had to have ask or listen to back talk or do something yourself because it didn't get done when we were told. I appreciate every single sacrifice you ever made, I feel so unworthy of such an incredible mother but I know now you were preparing me to be without you. And once again, I am thankful. If I can be a mere fraction of the woman & mother you were, I will be beyond happy..

~with all my hearts, forever 

Wow. I know this is random and full of errors. I had no idea I was going to write this, after a rough evening I opened my notes and this all flooded out. This isn't a searching for sympathy post (not that anyone is here anymore haha) I just wanted it off my chest and, for whatever reason, archived! 

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